In the last two issues of SA Horseman, we looked at the approaching death of a horse, deciding on euthanasia and some of the overwhelming emotions one may experience following the death of a beloved horse.We are now going to look at how to deal with someone who is going through this, and specifically how not to handle it.

Children and teenagers

Dealing with a child whose beloved horse or pony has died, can be extremely difficult. Children will experience exactly the same feelings as adults, yet they won’t understand what is happening. It will frighten them and they may become even more vulnerable as a result. It is therefore up to adults and parents, to help them to cope.

Try to explain to them what has happened as best you can. Answer their questions and address their fears to the best of your ability. Encourage them to talk about it. Offer comfort, love and support at all times and understand that there may be tears, anger, moodswings or even acting out. Allow some leeway for this and make sure they feel safe, loved and cared-for during this time.

Even if you as a parent are not as emotionally affected by the death, remember that for the child, these feelings and emotions are very real. Take them seriously. Address the issue of guilt even before it crops up and make sure the child understands that it was not his fault in any way and that nothing he did or did not do contributed to the situation. Explain to him about the natural cycle of life. If you find that the child is not coping well after the death, take him for counselling.

Teenagers are even more difficult to deal with. The teenage years are tumultuous times with emotions and hormones running rampant. The loss of a confidant and friend in the form of a horse, is traumatic and can trigger behavioural problems and rebellion.

Offer comfort, support, guidance and leadership and do not get angry, but guard against over-indulgence. Seek professional advice on how to deal with teenagers in their grief and, if necessary, take them for counselling. Inform teachers and other authority figures about what has happened, so they too will understand the changes they may see in the child or teenager.

Adults

Even if you are not a horse lover and cannot understand the fuss, never let it show. Think of your friend or family member and offer comfort and support. Respect their grief. Never get impatient and listen if they want to talk. It may be the same stories over and over again, but indulge them. It is therapeutic for them to talk.

On the other hand, if they don’t want to talk, do not pressurise them. Let them set the tone and go along with it. If they want to cry, let them. It is necessary for the healing process. If they want to be alone, allow them time on their own.

Nevertheless, just like with the loss of a loved one or family member, there is a point where one can reasonably expect a person to start coming to terms with the loss of a horse and to resume living life in a normal fashion.

Be aware that this can vary dramatically from person to person, but keep a close watch. If, after a few weeks, there is absolutely no improvement and the person is showing physical or emotional signs of depression, losing or gaining weight, not functioning properly, not able to work or concentrate, not wanting to go anywhere or socialise or acting in any way out of character, it may be time to suggest professional help.

So, when dealing with someone in this situation, remember that what they are going through is very real to them. Never reprimand them, try to dismiss their feelings or tell them to "pull themselves together and get on with it" because "it was only a horse". Love and understanding goes a long way to helping them heal.

Do I get a new one?

This question is entirely subjective. In some cases, perhaps more so with children, it may be a good idea to start looking for a new horse or pony soon after, as this can help to take the mind off the grief and to move on. Also having a new horse to start working with, can be very therapeutic.

However, remember that in looking for a new horse, one is not replacing the horse that died. He was an individual and cannot be replaced. It is also not fair on the new horse to keep comparing him with the old horse. He too is an individual and should be treated as such.

When buying a horse, it is always important to get the opinion of an expert, as you may still be very emotional and could decide on buying a horse that may be quite unsuitable, purely because something about him reminds you of the one that just died, blinding you to everything else.

On the other hand, one may not want a new horse immediately. It can be quite distressing for sellers and dealers to start swarming over you like a bunch of vultures the moment they hear that your horse has died. First come to terms with it and grieve properly. There is no correct waiting period and it may be weeks or months before you feel up to starting to "look around".

It may be a good idea for both children and adults, to find a horse to ride (one you will probably never own and won’t get emotionally attached to) for a while before getting a new one of your own. This can help to bridge the gap and to prepare you mentally for taking on another horse.

Some people may even decide not to ever get another horse. This is a decision that should also be respected.

In closing

Upon reading this, you should not be put off from getting a horse. Nobody is put off from having children by the ultimate horror of perhaps one day losing a child. I have felt all the emotions and agonising and the painful sense of loss that come with it. But never, not for one moment have I ever contemplated not getting a horse again.

The unconditional love that horses offer – their loyalty, bravery, friendship, the infinite things they teach us and the endless hours of shared fun – make it worth it every time. In closing, I wish to share with you the beautiful words by an unknown author that say it all: "To the world you were a horse; to me you were the world."