The death of a beloved horse is a traumatic and extremely sad experience, whichever way one looks at it.

Pioneer in the study of death and dying, psychologist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, identified a five-stage-process in the acceptance of approaching death: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance.

Although she developed this in terms of the human death process, these stages also hold true for coming to terms with the death of a horse.

In the first in a series of three articles, SA Horseman takes a look at this painful and extremely complicated time in one’s life, in a much simplified way, explaining what to expect, how to deal with it and, as importantly, how to support others (especially children and teenagers) in that situation.

Choosing euthanasia

Death can be sudden, or it can be a gradual decline, with poor prognosis, where the owner is often forced to decide whether to “put the horse down”. This can be as painful as a sudden death.

In loving a horse, one of the motivations is to want the best for him. When a horse is diagnosed with a progressive condition for which there is no cure, one is obligated to make sure that the horse does not reach a stage where he starts to suffer. This is true for advanced old age too.

While this is probably one of the hardest decisions one will ever be expected to make, it is one of the most rewarding for the horse. If there is any uncertainty, get a second or even a third opinion, but face up to it when you are satisfied that it is the only way.

The five stages of grief

In some cases the decision is the result of financial limitations. This is an unfortunate but real factor for many. When confronted with such a decision, the first reaction will probably be what Kübler-Ross calls “denial”.

One will be reluctant to accept that this is the only way and may stubbornly believe that it won’t come to that, or secretly hope that the decision will be taken out of our hands. One may even refuse to face up to it and try to ignore it in the hope that it will go away.

Next, one may get angry at the vet, at God, the people around you and even at the horse for being ill and placing us in a position to have to make such a decision. This is where bargaining may come into the picture. One may feel that “if I do this, then maybe it won’t happen”. One may plead and argue with the vet, or consider all kinds of alternatives and even “suspect” treatments.

As it starts sinking in that this is the only way out, one may feel helpless, powerless and overwhelmed, filled with feelings of guilt. This can lead to a state of deep depression and anxiety. In the end, with no alternative left, one accepts the inevitable and starts making plans to have it done.

What do I tell my child?

At the prospect of having to put down a child’s pony, parents are often faced with the dilemma of what to tell the child. The answer is not simple and there is no right or wrong. It all depends on the individual child.

You will know whether your child is mature enough to participate in the decision-making process or not. If so, explain that the pony is in pain and that this decision will help the pony.

Explain the cycle of life and the fact that this is a most natural process. Answer the child’s questions honestly and openly, address his fears and arrange for him to speak to the vet or another authority figure whose opinion he will value.

On the other hand, some children may just simply be too young or immature to be faced with the finality of death. Simply tell him that the pony is going to live somewhere else where he will be very happy and that there is another pony that really wants to be his (the child’s) pony.

Should I be present?

This is a question nobody can answer for you. Some people are adamant that they want to be there to comfort the horse right up to the end, but others prefer to say their goodbyes beforehand and remember the horse as he was. Both are good and sound decisions.

Whatever the case, just remember, if you are going to be hysterical, you will not be doing your horse any favours. He needs love, calmness and reassurance from you. The question of whether children should be present is a difficult one. I personally don’t believe that it is in a child’s interest to be present during, or even to view the horse afterwards, not even for closure.

I also believe that it will be much better to, time permitting, take the child to say goodbye and then leave. Witnessing an act of euthanasia and even the dead horse afterwards, can be extremely traumatic.

Sudden death

In some cases there is no warning. A horse can literally be here one moment and gone the next. In these cases there is no time to “get used to the idea”. The overwhelming feeling is one of shock, unreality, denial, and sometimes even disassociation. It may take a few days for reality to hit, but the emotions will ultimately be the same.

But whether it be sudden or not, the death of a horse evokes many painful emotions and experiences for each and every person, young or old, which they will need to cope with. As individuals, our emotions may vary, but we all experience some of the same emotions at this time.

In the next issue of SA Horseman we will look at the powerful emotions that a person can experience following the death of a horse, as well as the reaction to our grief by society as a whole.