In the May edition of SA Horseman we looked at the prospect of losing a beloved horse, at having to decide on euthanasia and at how this can make us feel. Following the death of a horse, one can have an even more violent reaction and in this issue we attempt to look at some of what you may go through.

Regardless of how well-bred, beautiful, valuable or otherwise your horse was, how long you’ve had him or how much you achieved together, it does not matter; he was yours and his death will leave a gaping hole in your life.

Nobody else can possibly know or understand exactly what it is that you felt for your horse and what you shared between the two of you. When a loved one dies, society is supportive. You are given time off work, teachers understand and treat children with compassion. Churches, religious groups and other societies and groups offer help, comfort and support.

However, when a horse dies, one is expected to carry on as usual – after all, it was only an animal. People are not supportive and may criticise one for being emotional and unable to function "normally". This is very hard and can prolong the grieving process, often causing a breakdown if no supportive friends are around, due to the pressure society places on us to "show a brave face."

Many religions teach that animals have no souls. We are often expected to believe that when a horse dies, he just ceases to exist and we are made to feel guilty if we do not want to accept this. I believe I should let writer, RB Cunningham-Graham, have the last word: "God forbid that I should go to any heaven where there are no horses."

Guilt

When one has decided that euthanasia is the only option left, the prevailing feeling is one of betrayal towards the horse and an overpowering feeling of guilt: Guilt about making the decision, about things that one did or didn’t do during the horse’s life, even about caring for the other horses in one’s yard. Sometimes one even feels guilt about not feeling enough grief.

Often with guilt comes regrets – for those things you hadn’t done, the rides you will never have, wasted potential and much more. Guilt is normal. However, it is one of the most useless emotions and together with "if only", merely serves to make one desperately unhappy. Rather be comforted by the thought that your horse was lucky to have had someone who loved him so much that he refused to see him suffer.

Relief

Sometimes, after the death of a suffering horse, the overwhelming feeling is one of relief and sometimes in the case of a long illness or progressive suffering, even a sense of release. This is normal and good. One is aware of the fact that his agony has ended and that he is now at peace. This is nothing to feel guilty about.

Blame

Often after a horse’s death, one tries to find someone to blame. This can be the vet – "You did not do enough / were negligent." It can be the stable yard – "You did not feed him correctly /­­ did not notice in time that something was wrong."

Again it is normal and a mere attempt to vent bottled-up emotions. But blaming others only makes a bad situation worse. It will not bring the horse back and self-flagellation and making enemies, will only prolong your suffering. Accept what has happened and once more, look for the good memories and hold on to those.

Anger

One may feel angry and frustrated, and not able to direct this anger at anyone or anything in particular, the fear is that it may be internalised, causing feelings of frustration, helplessness and even contribute to depression.

In children this may be quite noticeable and one should understand its origin. Talk to them about it and encourage them to verbalise the anger and frustration.

If only …

After the death of a horse, one often starts looking for things that might have prevented it. If only I had seen it sooner ... If only I had done this or that or not taken him for that ride ... If only I had listened ... If only I had gotten there sooner ... The possibilities are endless.

Stop it! The more you think in this way, the harder you are making it for yourself. "If only" are the two most useless words in the English language. If thoughts like that enter your head, push them out; they have no place sharing your grief. You loved your horse and would never intentionally have harmed him. You did what you could – accept it. Remember the happy times.

Grieving

Grieving is a natural process following the death of any loved one. Allow yourself time to grieve – let the process run its course. Cry if you want to, it is the most natural thing in the world. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross says that grief often follows a fairly predictable three-stage pattern.

For the first few weeks after the death one reacts with shock and disbelief. As the awareness of loss sinks in, initial numbness gives way to overwhelming sadness, often an obsessive search for meaning in what happened and eventually, after some time, one slowly starts to accept and to live more normally again, sometimes even feeling strengthened by the loss.

There is no manual for grieving. Just as your relationship with your horse was unique and very personal, so too are the feelings his loss will inspire in you and the way you react to them. Be kind to yourself. You may find that for a while after the death, you want to talk about him constantly – then talk!

Alternatively you may find that you don’t want to talk about it. If you need time alone, take the time. If you need time off from work, take it. Be a little selfish at this time and indulge yourself. Allow friends and family who love you to be there and to support you.

For some on the other hand, the grieving process is quick and within days one has accepted it, come to terms with it and is able to move on. This is wonderful and nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. This does not mean that you did not care or loved your horse any less; it just means that you are a practical person with great healing abilities.

If, however, you find that you are not coping with the grief, do not feel ashamed to go and speak to a professional person / counsellor. After all, following the loss of a loved one, many people go for counselling. That is what counsellors are there for.

Emptiness, loss and pain

Feelings of severe loss are common. You feel empty and hollow inside. You may feel that no one understands how much you miss your horse or exactly what you are going through.

You are right, no one can or will ever understand exactly. Your relationship with your horse was unique, but that sense of loss and emptiness is something everyone who has ever lost a beloved animal, can identify with; that hollowness in the pit of your stomach and the burning pain in your chest where your heart is, the restriction around your rib-cage, making breathing difficult – it is all natural and normal.

There is no pill that can be taken for this agony. The only remedy is understanding and supportive friends and family, allowing yourself to grieve, and time ... sometimes years.

Recurring dreams

In many cases, directly following the death of a horse, one may dream of the horse over and over again. It may be reliving the horror of the death, or it may be dreams in which the horse is perfectly healthy.

In some dreams the owner may even be able to communicate with the horse. Many people believe that the latter is the horse trying to "reassure" his loved one that he is all right. Others believe that it is the subconscious mind trying to come to terms with what has happened and that it is an important part of the healing process.

For some these dreams are disturbing and open up wounds they believed were starting to heal; others welcome them and feel a "connection" with their horse. Whichever way you experience these dreams, know that they are perfectly normal. They are there to help the wounds heal.